decimos

Aurochs, yo!

Tue, 22 Dec 2009 05:23:06 GMT

AUROCHS: The solstice and eclipses light up your 9th house, the area of life where you reach for new horizons, new meanings. It's time to reach further than you ever have before. "Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature, nor do the children of humans as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is not safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing." ~Helen Keller

summation of my feelings: lovelovelovelovelovelove

summation of events: I spent the last couple days smoking with my roommate, waiting to go home, which was actually pretty nice. now I'm home and couldn't be more happy to be here in this miserably slushy piss-smelling crazy ass town. philly, i love you. boy, youre beautiful.

also Lykke Li. no explanation necessary

Sun, 20 Dec 2009 03:36:21 GMT

1. the vending machine ate my money
2. i had to throw out half my coffee
3. dunkin donuts didnt have everything bagels
4. my flight was cancelled 30 min before boarding
5. i spent $22 to get there & back. also, i didn't sleep
6. the snowstorm is coming from philly...to here...tonight
7. when i finally get to philly, the snow will trap me in center city
8. and my sick dog who needs tending to every hour will trap me in my house.
9. anddddd it just started to snow. awesome

F YOU.

Matt & Kim <3

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 07:05:21 GMT

DAYLIGHT

we cut the legs off of our pants
threw our shoes into the ocean
sit back and wave through the daylight
sit back and wave through the daylight

slip and slide on subway grates
these shoes are poor mans ice skates
fall through like change in the daylight
fall through like change in the daylight

i miss yellow lines in my roads
some color on monochrome
maybe i’ll paint them in myself
maybe i’ll paint them in myself

these sidewalks liquid then stone
building walls and an old pay phone
it rings like all through the daylight
it rings like all through the daylight

and in the daylight we can hitchhike to maine
i hope that someday i’ll see without these frames
and in the daylight i don’t pick up my phone
cause in the daylight anywhere feels like home

I have five clocks in my life
and only one has the time right
i’ll just unplug it for today
ill just unplug it for today

open hydrant rolled down windows
this car might make a good old boat
and float down grand street in daylight
and float down grand street in daylight

and with just half of a sunburn
new yellow lines that i earned
step back and here comes the night time
step back and here comes the night time

and in the daylight we can hitchhike to maine
i hope that someday i’ll see without these frames
and in the daylight i don’t pick up my phone
cause in the daylight anywhere feels like home

Life is hilarious. it really really is.
This is the only vantage point from which it's entirely manageable.
although Everything's gonna be OK & I believe that with all of my heart. we are nature's products. we were made for this. it's going to be okay.
p.s. I'm sober. which means these statements are true by criteria a, b and c.
try to smile!

Fuck Fendi

Fri, 11 Dec 2009 23:25:16 GMT

i love the cold & freezing wind because it forces me to forget everything i've ever felt.

i would rather him have punched me in the face than this. for a lot of reasons. i'd rather have punched my damn self in the face than this. i don't know why i still bother thinking about it, masochism maybe? i get happy for awhile, a few days, i think i'm over it. a few days feels like a lifetime, foolish foolish foolish. it all comes back.
there's nothing to do about it, really,
i should be studying.
i don't want to go home anymore, philly's got memories. i wanna take all the people i love with me somewhere. my sister especially. i miss her & i remember one time i was fighting with him and she asked me what was wrong, i said nothing. she said you're lying, i can see it all right here and pressed my swollen tear ducts with her fingers. this is why i love her.
the good thing about it is that when the feeling disappears it feels so damn good that it must be sung to the skies, dancing down the hallways, I am a person human woman i don't need you and i knew it all along--but i need them and they need me--isn't that how it's supposed to be...? and empty and clear, and those are the moments in which something else will fill me up, someday.

someday, please be soon. i know that plight is human and i am lucky. i should be happy, for you. i should be.

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 03:45:21 GMT

i haven't written a poem in so long
i may have forgotten how
unless writing a poem
is like riding a bike
or swimming upstream
or loving you
it may be a habit that once aquired
is never lost

but you say i'm foolish
of course you love me
but being loved of course
is not the same as being loved because
or being loved despite
or being loved

if you love me why
do i feel so lonely
and why do i always wake up alone
and why am i practicing
not having you to love
i never loved you that way

-the lovely nikki giovanni

absolutely nothing.

Mon, 07 Dec 2009 11:14:58 GMT

I refuse to be productive at this time of night.

Even though I have a crazy crazy amount of work to do.
Winter break I will probably drink myself into oblivion again out of a misplaced sense of joy to be done with all this shit and back in Philly. or something. is this thing on?

saturday night was the worst night of my life. everyone who took care of me, i am not sure of who that encompasses, but i am really thankful to them all. maybe i'll learn my lesson this time.. jungle juice = death punch. i'm sorry, dear body of mine, i shall never abuse you so again (maybe)

anyway ... things will be better after this week. I'm trying so hard to care about whether or not I fail out of this place (unlikely but possible). the world's ending in a couple of years anyway, who cares?
I mean I'm trying to stay focused, sort of
good gawd almighty.
i wish i could go 1 full minute without thinking of him. it's probably unhealthy? this should probably qualify as obsession? oh well, insanity, whatever man
facebook generation

i love the moon!
i love my friends
i love optimism, it keeps me alive
i love apathy, it facilitates my laziness
i love this journal, it lets me speak sweet nothings
at 6 am

i don't know why i am awake. i will die tomorrow afternoon. bad decision after bad decision. i haven't removed my contacts in 2 days. when will i be wise & motivated.

There is nothing else to report.
12 days.

united states of unconsciousness

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 21:23:22 GMT

In one generation, out of hundreds of thousands in human evolution, America had become the first culture to have substituted secondary, mediated versions of experience for direct experience of the world.

I heard many people say, "Television is great; there are so many things on TV that we'd never otherwise experience." People were seeing television images of Borneo forests, European ballets, varieties of family life, distant police actions, current events, or recreations of historical crises, and they were believing themselves to be experiencing these places, people and events. Yet the television image of the Borneo forest or the news or historical events was surely not the experience of them and not to be relied upon to the same extent. It was only the experience of sitting in a darkened room, staring at flickering light, ingesting images which had been edited, cut, rearranged, sped up, slowed down, and confined in hundreds of ways. Were people aware of the difference?

- four arguments for the elimination of television

Well,theres that.

only song that makes sense

Sun, 29 Nov 2009 05:52:36 GMT

I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from 'A' to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My finger in creases of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've found so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science

Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

After I have travelled so far
We'd set the fire to the third bar
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted, close our eyelids
And dreaming, pick up from
The last place we left off
Your soft skin is weeping
A joy you can't keep in

there's no place like

Wed, 25 Nov 2009 06:22:36 GMT

Can I get control?
Do you like me vulnerable?
I'm armed and I'm equal.
More fun for the people.

dont give a fuck about how you move with them other mamis
Fuck them Reebok broads, you made it known who your wife was

I know I contradicted myself, look I don't need that now.

ICEANGEL3911 (12:11:17 AM): AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYFCKYESYEWAHAHBDYEAHEYAHEAYHEAYHEAYHAYHEAYAYAYAYAAYAYAYAYAYFUCUUUUUKSHITYEAH

ICEANGEL3911 (12:12:10 AM): philly just got more beautiful.

LONG STORY SHORT,
I'M BACK IN PHILADELPHIA
FOR THE WEEK

I got my mom & my dog, my michelle, my 268 biddies,

& a million other ~~little~~ happy things.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Schweet

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 23:37:08 GMT

today in Hindi a random man walked into our classroom. people began inquiring of him, in Hindi; he looked a little mischievous, a little confused, a little lost but purposeful, like he was trying not to laugh. he walked up to probably the most awkward-looking guy in our class and handed him a big box, and then walked out. everyone stared at him and then at the guy who now had a box in front of him. "do you know him??" "... no." he opened the box. on the bottom it said:
IF IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
IF NOT, OH WELL.

today was a good day. I'm going to see how long it takes me to write 750 words on male vs female hormonal birth control (hopefully less than 6 hours, since that's all I have). I'm going home in a week, right down to the minute... where I will see my loves, eat, sleep, get pierced & shop. I started work & figured out next semester (looks like: hindi, plants, writing, & urban education! hollar) AND i have hot chocolate.

BOMB DIGGITY

I remember when we used to sit

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 03:02:12 GMT

They didn't play the Requiem Mass, pie jesu domine... not at my dad's funeral.
there's no choir here and certainly no organ. besides it would have infuriated him to hear about Jesus on his last day as a whole body.

They played Bob Marley.
No Woman No Cry.

When my mom went under for surgery, this is also what she asked the doctors to play.

(Difference between a piano and an organ:
a piano is technically a stringed instrument;
an organ forces air through pipes. Not to mention,
it sounds a lot eerier [despite the fact that we had an organ
at my house for many years I never knew what the difference was]
[of course, there are
electronic versions of each.])

basic instructions before leaving earth
life is a test, may we quest the universe
and through my research I felt the joy and the hurt
the first shall be last and the last shall be first

Sun, 08 Nov 2009 02:46:26 GMT

DerekT (2:47:35 PM): i think you're really an asian, but are pretending to be "mixed"
DerekT (2:47:50 PM): an illegal chinagirl

DerekT (2:50:30 PM): what you 2 going to do?
Kimmuh (2:50:58 PM): take over the world
DerekT (2:52:10 PM): true ambitions of a china girl

WONG.

Sun, 01 Nov 2009 20:38:24 GMT

!#$&*%: halloween, michelle, crepes, As, sleep, baseball, perkins hall, daylight savings, shots, dancin', hometown pride, being called a poet, novemberrrrrrrrrr

anticipation: thanksgiving break, train rides, winter, next semesters classes, summer '10!!

this song is always relevant

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 22:15:11 GMT

Ooh! Get me away from here, I'm dying
Play me a song to set me free
Nobody writes them like they used to
so it may as well be me
Here on my own now after hours,
here on my own now on a bus
Think of it this way,
you could either be successful or be... us
With our winning smiles, and us
With our catchy tunes, and us
Now we're photogenic,
you know-- we don't stand a chance.

Oh, I'll settle down with some old story
about a boy who's just like me
Thought there was love in everything and everyone,
you're so naive!
After a while they always get it.
They always reach a sorry end.
Still it was worth it as I turned the pages solemnly, and then
with a winning smile, the boy
with naivety succeeds.
At the final moment, I cried,
I always cry at endings.

Oh, that wasn't what I meant to say at all
From where I'm sitting, rain
washing against the lonely tenement
has set my mind to wander
into the windows of my lovers
They never know unless I write
"This is no declaration, I just thought I'd let you know goodbye"
said the hero in the story
"It is mightier than swords
I could kill you sure
But I could only make you cry with these words"

Oh, get me away, I'm dying...

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 02:13:54 GMT

"If a woman ain't happy with herself, she ain't gone do nothing but bring pain to every-fuckin'-body around her."

-Ice-T, "Good Hair"

Truer words were never spoken, Ice-t.

Don't mind me I'm just gettin' my grown man on

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 03:04:56 GMT

lovin' you ~~is easy cause you're beautiful~~ has reverted me back to the sixth grade.

in better news MICHELLE'S COMING, thanksgiving's soon(er), lifechanges are in the works & i have absolutely no homework tonight.

plus i'm seeing Good Hair tomorrow evening fo' six dolla.
yes sir yes.

Smile like you--

Sat, 24 Oct 2009 18:54:54 GMT

One month 'til philly <3
my body feels like it was drained of all its life-giving fluids
my mind however is On
i am through with: not taking responsibility for feelings/actions, self-victimizing. accountability is the theme of this month. cool wit it?

uuum for instance my ipod screen i am over it, it was an accident, it happened, im glad it still works.

no dwelling! no wasting time!

I read poems at an open mic.
it was terrifying but went well.

so i feel like i'm growing. my brain is a shoot apical meristem right now. oh i saw one of the dedicated students from my biology class last night...it was nice to be fucked up with a classmate for once and she told me she has a crush on one of our lecturers who is OLD and ENGLISH and the other lecturer is a lesbian. he's awesome though. he knows plants like nobody else knows plants. and alex is awesome.
i love plants a lot. they are so interesting they're alive like animals, just as alive but their life system is COMPLETELY different.

Anyway i just wanted to say that i am really happy and i feel like my life is so unbelievably on track.
maybe god is in us. so they say. oh shiet.

Anything to avoid you bay bay.

Tue, 20 Oct 2009 20:42:24 GMT

things i do instead of my sociology paper

- make pb & j sandwich
- play with webcam
- brainstorm/outline sociology paper
- listen to songs on youtube
- go outside and smoke
- text
- go on facebook
- write in my journal
- play with my hair
- put on perfume
- re tie my shoelaces
- look at bookshelf, think of how to rearrange
- make lists
- paint my nails
- daydream

All this while i sit at my desk looking productive.
life, ftw!

philurdelfurla

Sat, 10 Oct 2009 05:29:23 GMT

Mmmm, what you say?
Mm, that you only meant well? Well of course you did.
Mmmm what you say?
Mm, that it's all for the best? Of course it is.
Mmmm what you say?
Hm that it's just what we need? You decided this.
What you say? What did you say?

FUCK MAN I'M HOME!
It's awesome. i'm so bursting with good energy right now. HOME HOME HOME
I can't wait to see everyone!
at the same time I can't wait to get back to brown.
so basically i look forward to everything.
though some things may not go as planned. fuck that shit
YEAH

things i love thursday

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 00:31:17 GMT

Things I love Thursday...early!

. yesterday, rahil came into the lounge and informed everyone that it would be rajan's birthday at 12:00am. we all signed a card for him, rahil got a cake & then we waited there for forever for rajan to walk in so we could surprise him. people brought musical instruments down. and when rajan walked in 20 people were there singing happy birrrthday. it was the cutest thing evar and that's why i love perkins.
. hindi! so fun to write. that line over the top of each word.
. reading for classes i actually enjoy .... like music!
. the flexibility of college.
. video chatting.
. talking to my bro bro about music.
. hearing my boo boo's voice for the first time in forever.
. freezing cold football games that i actually pay attention to.
. falafel on meal credit.
. anticipating going to PHILLY on october 9th.
. having everything i need right here. (almost)
. my quickly growing hair.
. mailing stuff.
. waking up at eleven, showering & getting to class hella on time.
. the music library & dance studio across the street.
. the fact that from temple to harvard everyone seems to be really happy with where they chose to go to school.
. being in this random ass town in new england , with people i met a month ago & loving it to bits.
. weekends.
. being eighteen.

all wars are holy wars

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 20:05:56 GMT

"We have a situation in which human beings, who must deal with each other, have vastly different views as to the nature of reality, yet each one believes his or her own view to be the correct one since it is based on the microcosm of personal experience. And to make matters worse, most of us are not even fully aware of our own world views, much less the uniqueness of the experience from which they derived. Bryant Wedge, a psychiatrist specializing in the field of international relations, studied negotiations between the United States and the USSR and was able to delineate a number of basic assumptions as to the nature of human beings and society and the world held by Americans which differed dramatically from the assumptions of Russians. These assumptions dictated the negotiating behavior of both sides. Yet neither side was aware of its own assumptions or the fact that the other side was operating on a different set of assumptions. The inevitable result was that the negotiating behavior of the Russians seemed to be either crazy or deliberately evil, and of course the Americans seemed to the Russians equally crazy or evil. . . So we squabble over our different microcosmic world views, and all wars are holy wars." m. scott peck, 'the religion of science'

Some Things

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 06:08:28 GMT

- an acquaintance told me that i had a beautiful spirit.

- we had an open mic for people of color last friday . it was amazing, from people playing the steel pan to spoken word to guitar freestyling (later i met this guitar improvising man and he called me "philly" and "p-funk"). i'm going to volunteer for the theatre where it was held and get some stage training!

- i laughed an insane amount last night.

- did freud ever discuss a nail fixation?

- today providence saw the bluest sky it will ever see. cloudless, sunny glory.

- i auditioned for brown badmaash. didn't get in, but it was really fun & imma try again.

- "do do do aww, cuz you'll always be my baby."

- i'm visiting philly on october 9th. so many people to see! i'm so kdjghkdjfhgs excited. i feel like i'm going on a journey all over again...home.

- super mash bro's and girl talk never stop playing here.

- i switched my terribly hard anthropology class for a terribly delightful music one. thanks brown.

- i really, really love CREPES.

- "that's hella drawling."

i ain't never growing up.

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 01:43:50 GMT

Flowers in the water, but I'm just his daughter
Walking down an icy grave leading to my
Schizophrenic father. Weeping willow won't you wallow louder
Searching for my father's power

I'm a shake you off though
Get up on that horse and
Ride into the sunset
Look back with no remorse

In a dream my father came to me
And made me swear that I'd keep
What's sacred to me
And if i get the choice to live in his name
I'll pray my way through the rain
Singing oh happy day

for some reason lots of people choose to choreograph to this song. I like it a lot.

i'm trying to read right now... on the history of the development of cognitive social psychology... all the way back to the 1700s. unfortunately i am very bored and chose to paint my nails instead. multitasking > unitasking

i need to take an art class. if LJ went the way of twitter i would tag newton here. :)

i feel like i'm becoming more whole. more comfortable with who i am. that is a great feeling. i am starting to catch myself when i have negative thoughts , which lead to negative behavior. i kinda feel like i'm living a dream but really i'll be here for another 4 years..! oh man. so many people to meet. so many things to cathect. i wish i wrote more poetry. it doesn't seem to flow anymore. so unsatisfying. i want to be a writer but i dislike public speaking, analyses, workshops, and often, other writers. let us wander around providence whose name sounds funny with the others of this area (pawtucket, narrangansett, ) & forget about our life goals forever.

i take naps everyday. i drink tequila with the big boys. and then go on rants about my "social anxiety problem." of all the books on my bookshelf, only 4 are fiction, 2 are poetry. i listen to at least 1 person a day tell me why i shouldn't smoke. i often forget to take showers. i brought all your letters to college with me. i havent looked at them, but i like having them here.

<3

college: 1 week down

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 14:51:29 GMT

right now i'm skipping a "mandatory seminar" on our summer reading to go back to sleep. great start to college right? last night i was laying (/lying?) on the ground next to a bench, staring at stars, smoking cigarettes. it was somewhere between terrible and awesome.

actually, i don't think i'm making that great of an impression on the people here. but that's okay. pre-orientation was good, lots of -isms and discussions and heart-pouring... it was a great way to meet people and bond and get adjusted to brown, but also was absolutely nothing like what the rest of orientation has been like! it all feels sort of surreal. sometimes i forget that i'm at college now.
my dorm is really far from everything, which sucks. but, my room is the biggest in the dorm. everybody that walks by goes "oh my god...is that your room?!" my roommate is chill and we get along.

i really like it here, i feel at home, and i can't wait for classes to start so my day can have a purpose & a schedule. i think i'm kinda done with trying to impress people.

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 02:04:14 GMT

why can't things ever go according to plan?

I mean really...
just once would be nice.